Two Rules for Spiders to Live By

A Quick Intro…

Some personal insight for you which will hopefully ground the foundation for these rules and why I think they’re reasonable.

Last week I was in a really foul mood and deliberately and with full intention stomped on one of those annoying little beetles flying this time of year. Who’d blame me? It’s just a beetle after all. After shaking it off my shoe I looked at it laying on the ground, guts squished out and whole body still fidgeting. It was still alive. I quickly realised I’d crippled this bug for none other than selfish motives that amounted to nothing in the scheme of live and death – and it was now in agony.

Memories flashed back of my grandmother telling five year old me not to harm a little worm she’d pointed out crossing our drive way after some rain. When she wasn’t looking, I snuck back outside and killed it. She later found the worm and expressed her disappointment in me for needlessly killing it and deceiving her. I’ll never forget the disappointment on her face.

If this bug could, I was sure it’d be screaming in pain and agony. Imagine if someone hit you with their car and then stood over you with all of your limbs broken and rib cage crushed. Looking down on this bug, I realised what I’d done. An enormous sense of guilt flooded over me. I quickly stomped on it several more times to spare it any further needless suffering. I returned to the car in a huff.

Now you have a sense of where I’m coming from and why I think these rules are reasonable.

Two Rules for Spiders to Live By

I’ve proposed the following rules for spiders and other “creepy crawlies” as they’re referred to, to live by.

Rule 1

The walls, the roof, the windows and everything forming the physical perimeter of my house is a line you’re forbidden to cross. You’re not welcome, you’re not invited, and you can’t have it nor share it with me. Outside, you can live free, careless in catching flies, playing frisbee, frolicking in the flowers and whatever else spiders like to do in their spare time. You will not be harmed. Inside however, is my space, and a different jurisdiction.

Crossing the perimeter, if caught, is a punishable offence of death. That means, you enter my space at your own risk.

Rule 2

In the event I spot you, you are hereby granted a “head start” – you have until I can grab a shoe, heavy object or spray, and make my way over to you. If you fail to take full advantage of the head start – do expect all manner of hell to be brought down on you, expect to die slowly, painfully or so damn quickly your head will be where your arse was. You will be hunted down as prey and destroyed.

I am the judge, jury and executioner of this house. Rules are subject to my interpretation only. These rules are effective immediately. Spiders beware!

To Clarify

  • Am I scared of spiders? No.
  • Do I like spiders? Well I don’t hate them (unless they violate the rules).
  • Do I respect their right to live? Sure.


Finally, for anyone still reading and wanting to challenge the “fairness” of these rules, please allow me to address your concerns. Put quite simply, they’re not fair at all.

We live in the 21st century. We supposedly live in a modern society. That is, cavemen don’t club each other to death any more – instead we have courts and a set of laws to live by. We’re sophisticated, right?

The underlying design of our society’s foundation is one of inherent unfairness. Democracy? I’d stab that an accurate assessment is an illusion of fairness and a carefully constructed system of centralising power, keeping the wealthy rich, the masses in fear, controlled and subdued. Yes, let’s talk about “the boat people problem” or “the scandal behind the Australian Prime Minister” which are dominating this week’s news.

All this… I don’t let it bother me. Honestly. But let’s not pretend this pile of s%&# is anything else but what it is. Let’s not pretend it’s perfect and let’s no pretend it’s fair.

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4 replies on “Two Rules for Spiders to Live By”

you big baby! leave the darn spideys alone!! You’ll never get to wear that red and black spandex suit this way! 😛

In a word, no 😛

Also, aren’t you the first person on a chair or table when a mouse walks by? 😀

Live and let live man, spiders are essential part of the ecosystem. not allowing them in your house or killing them on site will likely lead to other things running amok.

Besides that spiders are cool.

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